Konata Izumi's Big Bite
by SSJ2 PikaFlash
Summary: From the author of 'Konata Izumi, Japanese President". Chap 3: A new law targeting violent Otakus is in place, while Konata is targeted by a Hitman, Hiyori hypnotizes Minami, Miyuki steals an Ice Cream Truck and the Hiiragi Family are watching TV.
1. Dangerous Café

A fanfic that attempts to push the boundaries of everything the Author knows about Anime, Manga, Fanfiction and Real Life...

**Konata Izumi's Big Bite (or Big Bite for short)**

_01: Dangerous Café_

A Team PikaFlash Fanfic, working on Fanfics for 10 Years

Disclaimers: All character(s) and series belong to their respective owner(s)...

* * *

**[Cosplay Café, 1:00 pm]**

On what seems to be a seemingly normal Saturday afternoon, Hiyori Tamura and Konata Izumi are wearing their Cosplay outfits, waiting for customers for the Cosplay Café.

"Konata-sempai. I really appreciate your help in talking to your boss to give me this job," said Hiyori. "With the bad economy, it's hard to earn money off the Doujins I make and my allowance isn't enough to support my inspirations with the money being tight at home."

Konata nods. "Thank you, but I must warn you, Hiyorin. Ever since the Recession, working in this Cosplay Café is not as easy as you think. I can understand if you're skeptical, but once you start working here, you will see the dark side of Akihabara because many Otakus have lost jobs and they are getting desperate to get what they want at any cost. It's true. Check the news."

Konata walks to a TV and switched it on. It just happened to be the news on TV...

_**Newsreader:**__ "New statistics from the United Nations show that Akihabara is now considered the 2nd most dangerous place in Japan. Experts blame the rise in violence and crimes in the area on the Credit Crunch."_

Hiyori stared wide-eyed at the TV. "But this is an honest Cosplay Café. I doubt a desperate Otaku could become dangerous in a place like this..."

Suddenly, a man bursts in to the café, surprising everyone inside. The angry man points at Konata. "You **(beep)**! This is all your **(beep)**ing fault!"

Konata is confused. "I don't understand. You're one of our regular customers here. What have I done to offend you?"

The man glares at Konata. "My girlfriend has left me! Because of that I lost my job! All because of that **(beep)**ing picture of you in my phone!"

**[Flashback]**

The man's girlfriend looked at his cell phone and finds a picture of Konata in her Cosplay outfit. "You **(beep)**! I knew it. You're a Lolicon and a **(beep)**ing Pedophile!"

The man tries to rectify the misunderstanding. "But she's eighteen! She just happened to be short and have a flat chest!"

The girlfriend refuses to listen to him. "Liar! Now I know the truth and how much of a freak you are! I've tolerated you being an Otaku for a long time, but this is the last straw!"

"But..."

"You took that photo just to **(beep)** me off! I'm leaving and don't follow me!"

"But I love you!"

The angry _(now)_ ex-girlfriend flips the bird at the Otaku. "**(Beep)** off! I've had it with you and your Otaku ways! Go and live with your jailbait lover!"

**[End Flashback]**

The Otaku hurls a bunch of colorful words at Konata before grabbing her by the neck to strangle Konata. Konata desperately tries to fight off the violent Otaku. With some quick thinking, Konata grabs a PS2 Controller and using it as her only available weapon, Konata used the controller to beat her attacker in the head a few times as Hiyori watched. Konata easily subdues the man with a few more strategic strikes with the PS2 controller, knocking the Otaku into unconsciousness.

Konata looks at Hiyori. "Now do you believe me, Hiyorin? This is what I wanted to warn you about."

Konata's Boss looks down at fallen Otaku. "Tsk tsk. Why are the ones who are so obsessive end up becoming violent ones?"

Konata simply nods. "Don't blame him, Satoshi. He has his fair share of personal problems at home."

"I'll drag him outside. He'll scare away the customers if he's left in here." Satoshi drags the body by the legs out of the cafe.

Hiyori notices that someone is missing. "Where's Patty?"

"Satoshi gave her the day off," said Konata.

**

* * *

**

[Akihabara, 1:30 pm]

"Konata-Sempai will be so jealous once I show her my new **Limited Edition Haruhi DVD** from Satoshi!"

Patricia Martin is walking down a street towards the Train Station when a green-haired man grabs Patricia and puts a gun pointed at her head.

"Don't **(beep)**ing move, girl!" yelled the Criminal.

Suddenly, the cops appear, surrounding the criminal and his hostage. The lead detective stood forward. "Let her go, Kenji!"

"Back off, Detective Ichijouji! I'll blow the foreigner's brains out if you don't!" Kenji screamed. "And I'll do it!"

Detective Ichijouji has his gun aimed at the criminal. "I guess I have no choice." The detective picks up his Walkie-Talkie. "Code Blue, Team Rocket has got Pikachu. I repeat, Team Rocket has got Pikachu."

A group of specially armed Police Officers of the Special Response Unit are on the roof of one of the buildings in Akihabara with a Sniper aiming her rifle at Kenji's head. The Sniper receives the message. "Riza here. Code Blue confirmed! I'll make sure it's a clean one."

Riza fires the rifle. From the bullet's POV, the bullet flies over the other officers towards Kenji's forehead as he continues to holds Patricia hostage...

* * *

Back at the Cosplay Café, no customers have arrived, so Satoshi, Konata and Hiyori are watching the TV to kill some time while waiting for Customers.

_**Newsreader: **"In tonight's news, questions are being asked in the Diet about a secret joint US-Japanese Radar Base in Saitama. And panic across the country as UFO sightings has reached epidemic proportions."_

"Do you believe in Aliens, Konata-sempai?" asked Hiyori.

"It depends on what type of aliens you're talking about. If it's those cutesy aliens in Children's Anime, I wouldn't mind hugging one of them. If it's those angry, monstrous ones from those action/horror Animes, it would be cool to fight them. But if it's those with the tentacles..."

Satoshi coughs. "It would be nice if you keep it PG-13 if you value your job here, Konata."

Konata apologizes. "Sorry. Still, wouldn't it be nice to meet real aliens?"

**

* * *

**

[Ryouou High School Basement, 1:58 pm]

Meanwhile, in an underground command center under the School, an American Man in Black is with schoolteacher Hikaru Sakuraba watching scientists are working on computers linked to the Radars in Saitama scanning the skies for UFOs.

The Man in Black nods at Sakuraba. "Miss Sakuraba, the American Government would like to take this opportunity to extend its gratitude for your cooperation in this joint American and Chinese Project."

Lots of eyebrows are raised as everyone in the room looked at the Man in Black. Sakuraba then said, "You mean _Japanese_, not _Chinese_, right?"

The Man in Black shrugged. "Chinese, Japanese. What's the difference?"

**

* * *

**

[Patty's Apartment Building, 2:00 pm]

Patty enters the apartment building in tears, surprisingly she is clean despite the fact that the hostage taker was shot in the head. However, the **Limited Edition Haruhi DVD** case wasn't so lucky...

"My **Limited Edition Haruhi DVD** is now covered in blood," Patty cried as she tries to wipe the blood of the DVD case with a handkerchief. "What a day to spend my day off..."

Patty enters the lift and pressed the button to her floor. On the way up, to Patty's surprise five Naruto Cosplayers enter the lift and crowd around Patty. Patty could not believe her luck. For the first time during her stay in Japan, she learns that there are Cosplayers in her apartment building. Patty inwardly cheered.

'_This is so awesome. There are Cosplayers living in this building. I wonder what they're like.'_

Suddenly, the lift doors open and four Cosplayers dressed as Dragon Ball Z's Goku enter the lift. The two different groups of Cosplayers are now glaring at each other as the lift continued moving upwards. If this situation takes place in an Anime, Patty knows that there will be a sweat drop on her head.

'_On second thought, if these Cosplayers hate each other, it's best if I avoid them.'_

From push comes to shove, followed by punches being traded between rival Cosplayers. As the lift reached Patty's floor, the brawl between the Cosplayers spill out of the lift as Patty runs out of the lift for her life. The fight between the Naruto and Goku Cosplayers is even, despite the 5-4 ratio in favor to the Naruto Cosplayers. Three Naruto Cosplayers take turns punching a Goku Cosplayer's face. One Naruto Cosplayer lands a head butt on a Goku Cosplayer while landing an elbow strike at another Goku Cosplayer. The fourth Goku Cosplayer knees a Naruto Cosplayer in the groin. As Patty tries to sneak away from the fight, one of the Naruto Cosplayers snatches Patty's **Limited Edition Haruhi DVD** Case off her hands.

"My **Limited Edition Haruhi DVD**!" screams Patty.

The Naruto Cosplayer throws the DVD case like a Frisbee. The spinning Haruhi DVD case flies towards the brawling Cosplayers and the DVD case strikes each of remaining eight Cosplayers by bouncing off their faces, regardless of whether they are a Naruto Cosplayer or a Goku Cosplayer...

**

* * *

**

[Cosplay Café, 2:30 PM]

Back at the Cosplay Café, there are still no Customers, so the staff continued to watch the news on TV.

**[JNN News Update]**

_**Newsreader:**__ "Police Commissioner Uchiha has announced tough new anti-crime laws..."_

Police Commissioner Fugaku Uchiha is at a press conference.

_"I would like to announce a new commission into High-Ranking Police Officials taking advantage of their positions. It is called the **'Independent Commission RegulAting coRruption'**, also known as **ICRAP** so that we can assure the public that they can have confidence in us."_

**[Police Commissioner announces ICRAP Commission]**

_"Also, I would like to announce a 50% Pay Rise to all High-Ranking Police Officials, including me. Thank you." _Commissioner Uchiha quickly leaves the Press Conference.

Konata shakes her head as she watched the news report. "I can assure you that Yui-Neesan didn't vote for him to be commissioner. Ever since he became Commissioner, everything has gone to hell."

Patty enters the Cosplay Café with her bloodied and battered **Limited Edition Haruhi DVD** Copy. "Satoshi, I think this DVD is cursed. It has been giving me bad luck ever since you passed it to me. First, I was in a hostage situation in Akihabara and a sniper shot the guy, covering the DVD in blood. Next, when I got back home, I ended up in a brawl between two rival groups of Cosplayers. Not to mention that someone used my DVD to hit eight Cosplayers like a Frisbee!"

Both Konata and Hiyori run up to Patty, hoping to hear more of Patty's tale. "Tell us more!"

Patty demeanor changes at the chance to tell her story. "Sure thing." Patty looks at Satoshi. "By the way, did you know that you left the sign as _'Closed'_ on the cafe entrance?"

Satoshi groaned. "Damn, I knew I forgot something when I dragged that guy out. I guess that explains why we haven't been getting any customers."

Patty raised her hand. "Satoshi, is it alright if I can postpone my day off? I don't feel safe going back home after that brawl at my apartment block."

Satoshi simply shrugs as he changed the sign on the door. "Why not? You can show your friend Hiyori the ropes while I plan next week's Cosplay Theme and Menus." Satoshi walks into his office, mumbling, "I wonder if a Type-Moon Theme next week would work if I can hire those friends Konata always talk about as temps..."

Once Satoshi is in his office, Hiyori decides to take the chance to ask Patty some questions before work gets busy.

"Patty, I would have expected the owner of this place to be a bit older."

"Satoshi is in his twenties," Patty explains. "His father was the original owner of this Café before an unfortunate accident."

"Really? What happened?"

Konata joins in on the conversation. "Well, Katsumoto-san tried to steal cable from his neighbor because he picked a fight with the cable company over the Premium Anime Channel. He's still alive, but he developed a fear of heights from the incident, so Satoshi took over the business to take the pressure off..."

**

* * *

**

[After Work, 6:53 pm]

Satoshi switched the sign to **'Closed'**, fully knowing that Saturday nights at Akihabara are usually filled with the dangerous and potentially insane Otakus.

Hiyori, Konata and Patty are sitting at a table eating one of the cakes from the kitchen.

Konata eats the cake. "Luckily we were able to salvage a bit today."

Hiyori couldn't believe the taste of the cake. "I never thought I would say this, but this cake is heavenly."

"Kagami said the same thing, before she tried to correct herself," said Konata. "But she'll be back for more."

"Who made this cake?" Hiyori asks as she finished the cake.

Satoshi smiled as he switched off the game consoles. "Most of the kitchen stuff is my work. My role here is to handle the food and games, while you girls bring the customers and get them to enjoy the stuff. Ever since I took over the business, I've been living my **Number Three Dream**..."

"Number Three? What are number one and two?"

Satoshi counts his dreams. "My number one dream is World Domination, which is obviously not possible any time soon. Number two was already accomplished but I realized how expensive it was after a week. Number three is running a Cosplay Café with a bunch of awesome girls."

An awkward silence follows. Before it could get anymore awkward, Hiyori decides to break the silence. "Wow, I didn't think anyone would have such ambition in this day and age."

**

* * *

**

[Satoshi's Car, 8:23 pm]

As Satoshi is driving his car towards the Saitama Prefecture, he turns on the radio...

_**Newsreader:**__ "In Breaking News, another suicide attempt has occurred at Akihabara Train Station, causing massive delays on all trains heading towards the Saitama Prefecture. Experts blame the recent jump in Otaku Suicides and Otaku Violence on the introduction of the new __**Otaku Tax**__ which charges a 10% tax to every Anime, Manga and Video Game-related product sold in Japan as part of the Government's project to rebuild our economy, named __**'Operation Revenue Raising'**__..."_

Konata is sitting in the passenger seat. "I'm really sorry if I'm imposing on you by taking me home..."

"That's alright," said Satoshi. "I have a girlfriend who lives in Saitama City, so I think I should pay her a surprise visit."

Konata notices a familiar purple-hair girl running into a nearby park.

"Hey, that's Kagami..."

Konata then notices that Kagami is being pursued by three men dressed as ninjas. "Are those ninjas chasing after your friend?"

Satoshi stops the car. "Should we help her?"

In the park, Kagami is using her book bag to fight off the three ninjas' swords.

"Come on, Hiiragi-san. All we want is to see you in your Miko outfit!"

Kagami could only stare in disbelief at the ninjas. "And you perverts invaded my home just for that?"

At that instant, Konata and Satoshi ran into the park. Konata lands a powerful kick at one attacker's face; Satoshi punches another ninja in the face while Kagami swings her bag at the third ninja, hitting him in the head using the weight of the textbooks in the bag. All three ninjas were taken down in that instant and Kagami is rescued.

Konata runs to Kagami. "Kagami, why are these ninjas chasing you?"

**

* * *

**

[Flashback]

It was already dark as Kagami walked home after a tiring study session with her classmates Misao and Ayano.

'_I can't believe it took me two hours to tell Kusababe where she has gone wrong in her work. Not to mention that big delay because of some idiot wanting to commit suicide by trying to jump in front of the train. At least I've safely made it home...'_ Kagami noticed that the front door is left open.

"That's odd. Who would leave the front door open?"

****

[Seemingly Empty Hiiragi Residence, 8:21pm]

Kagami enters the house to find it seemingly empty. "Mom and Dad should still be on their holiday. I don't think they'll be back this early." Kagami checked the kitchen to see if her sisters are there. Strangely, it's empty.

"Tsukasa? Matsuri? Inori? Where are you guys? If you're planning a surprise party for Mom and Dad, it's a bit too early for that..."

Kagami entered the living room to find Tsukasa, Matsuri and Inori tied up, wearing their Miko outfits. It turns out that Kagami has stumbled upon a home invasion and the home invaders are three ninjas holding swords.

"You can't be serious," Kagami mumbled. "If Konata is here, she would say that this is like the opening scene of a **(beep)** Doujin..."

The three ninjas screamed as they waved their swords over their heads...

**[End Flashback]**

* * *

Kagami checks the damage on her book bag. "They're perverts who wanted me to dress up as a Miko because I live at a shrine, not to mention forcing Tsukasa and my Sisters to wear their outfits and tying them up. And to think that they're regular visitors to the Shrine. Now I know they're like you and your Father..."

"Blame the Recession for turning them into the perverts they are." Konata rubs her chin. "They must be getting really desperate for some Hot Miko Action..."

Kagami slaps her forehead. "Even when it's something as serious as almost getting raped, you still have the time to compare my close call to the idea to the Doujins you read..." She notices Satoshi. "Konata, who is he?"

Konata looks at Satoshi. "He's my Boss from the Cosplay Café and he was giving me a lift home since the Train Lines are delayed because of that Suicidal Otaku in Akihabara."

Kagami does a short bow to her other savior. "I guess I should thank you for saving me from my unfortunate fate with these perverts."

"No problem." Satoshi looks at Konata. "You think you can make it back home from here or do you want me to drive you back?"

"I know this area well. I can catch the train from the nearby Station back to my place. Besides, don't you have someone important to visit?"

Satoshi nods. "Good point."

**

* * *

**

[Izumi Residence, 9:15 pm]

After a tiring day, Konata enters her room to find a completely drunk Yui lying on Konata's bed.

"What is Yui-Neesan doing on my bed?"

Yutaka walks into the room. "Nee-san was at a party earlier and she had to leave early because she drank a lot. She came here to give you a new PS3 game she won at the party but she was too drunk so she passed out on your bed."

Konata's demeanor changed. "On second thought, I'll reserve my judgment until I see the game Yui-Neesan won for me. Where is it?"

"I think it was still in her car, Konata-Neesan," answered Yutaka.

Konata exits her house and walks to Yui's Blue Subaru. She checks inside the car for the game Yui bought for her. "Ah! Found it!"

Suddenly, Konata could feel the car shake as a bright light engulf the car. "What the **(beep)**?"

The Blue Subaru is suddenly pulled upwards towards a bright light from a UFO...

**

* * *

**

[Ryouou High School Underground Command Center, 10:28 pm]

The Man in Black and Sakuraba are watching the large radar map when a small blip appeared.

"There's Alien Activity over Saitama," said the Man in Black. "I knew that $10 Million paid by American Taxpayers would be worth it."

Sakuraba raised an eyebrow at that comment.

**[End of Chapter 01. Hope you enjoyed your time at the Cosplay Café...]**

**

* * *

**

[Cast:]

**[Cosplay Café Staff:]  
**Konata Izumi - Konata

Patricia Martin - Patty

Hiyori Tamura - Hiyori

Satoshi Katsumoto - Cosplay Café Owner

**[Lucky Star Characters:]  
**Hikaru Sakuraba - Biology Teacher/Scientist

Kagami Hiiragi - Tsundere

Tsukasa Hiiragi - Twin Sister

Matsuri Hiiragi - Big Sister

Inori Hiiragi - Eldest Sister

Yui Narumi - Drunk

Yutaka Kobayakawa - Konata's Cousin

**[Guest Stars/Everyone Else:]**  
Eriol Hiragizawa - Newsreader  
Koushiro Izumi - Furious Otaku  
Mimi Tachikawa - Otaku's Girlfriend  
Tracey Sketchit - Kenji  
Ken Ichijouji - PlainClothes Detective  
Riza Hawkeye - Sniper  
Fugaku Uchiha - Police Commissioner  
Max Mizuhara - Man in Black

Special Thanks to Taichi Yagami's Crazy Sunshine Team for providing the Police Officers, Naruto Cosplayers, Goku Cosplayers and Three Ninja Otakus.

**

* * *

**

Author's End Note:

My first proper Lucky Star fanfic and it's already as insane as _**'Konata Izumi: Japanese President'**_. The huge difficulty in working on this fanfic is trying to keep the attention on the Lucky Star Cast, especially when a lot of outlandish things are happening around the characters while trying to keep the Lucky Star charm.

I've seen enough fanfics bringing in male characters via the **'New Transfer Student to Ryouou'** Route. I'm using the** 'Young and Handsome Cosplay Café Boss' **Route to bring in the male character.

Oh, and as an additional note, the _'Young and Handsome' _Cosplay Café Boss is not an OC. He is a character from another Anime series brought in to act as a Male Protagonist among a huge cast of females in this fanfic. He may be OOC but try to guess which series he's from. And while you're at it, try to guess which series each of the Guest Stars are from. Some of them might be obscure...


	2. Alien Café

The fanfic that pushes the boundaries of everything the Author knows about Anime, Manga, Fanfiction and Real Life...

**Konata Izumi's Big Bite (or Big Bite for short)**

_02: Alien Café _

A Team PikaFlash Fanfic, working on Fanfics for 10 Years

Disclaimers: All character(s) and series belong to their respective owner(s)...

* * *

**[Class 3-B, Ryouou High School, 8:14 am]**

Kuroi-Sensei looked at the class. "Looks like only Shiraishi and Izumi aren't here yet..."

Suddenly, Konata bursts into the classroom. "Sensei, you won't be able to believe my tale! Two nights ago, I was abducted by Aliens in Yui-Neesan's car! Luckily for me, they didn't do any of those experiments you hear about from stories because the Aliens were using the car for their tests so I pretty much hanging around the whole time up there..."

Kuroi-Sensei is not impressed. "That still doesn't explain why you're late."

"Here's the thing. You know how when you are on those Spaceships, months pass in Space while back here on Earth, almost no time passed at all? It was like that, except the Aliens were wrong by 1 day and 15 minutes. That is why I'm late."

"If that's what really happened to you, what happened to your cousin's car?"

* * *

**[Grassy knoll, 8:23 am]**

Meanwhile, a familiar Blue Subaru belonging to a Saitama Traffic Cop has been found on a grassy knoll by a group of scientists. The scientists are investigating the car with various devices.

The Lead Scientist pulls out his MP3 Recorder. "There's no sign of the driver and the car is emitting Level 1 Radiation. I believe that this is another alien abduction and we finally have found some physical evidence. The Truth is Out There and alien life will soon be known to man..."

A van suddenly arrives at the grassy knoll and a group of JDF soldiers jumped out and the soldiers quickly point their guns at the scientists.

The commanding officer, JDF Colonel Mustang exits of the van. "Alright, get this car to the Ryouou Base. As for the scientists, take them out to the behind those trees and shoot them! We don't want any witnesses!"

The scientists are forcefully pushed towards the trees to be executed by the soldiers...

* * *

Back in Class 3-B, Kuroi-sensei couldn't be bothered asking for more details. She sends Konata to her seat as Kuroi-sensei looks at her list.

"That leaves Shiraishi. I wonder where he is right now instead of coming to class."

* * *

**[Kyoto Animation HQ, 8:33 am]**

An extremely bored Akira Kogami is sitting in a waiting room when her cell phone rings.

"Hello, this is Akira Kogami's phone."

* * *

**[The Middle of Nowhere, 8:35 am]**

Minoru is in the middle of nowhere making a call on his cell phone.

"Akira? Don't say anything and listen to me. Last night, I was abducted by some aliens and its best if you don't know what they did to me. The worst thing is that they dumped me in the middle of nowhere! I can't even find a single landmark to tell where I am! I need your help, Akira! Get someone to trace this call or call the authorities and maybe send a helicopter this way because I am in serious need of help!"

* * *

Unfortunately for Minoru, he has a bad reception so Akira has no idea who is speaking. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you. You're breaking up! It must be a bad reception at your end."

* * *

"It's me, Shiraishi!" Minoru checks his phone. "Dammit! The battery is dead!" Minoru then notices some movement in the bushes. "What the hell is that?"

A snake slithers its way out of a bush towards Minoru.

"**SNAKE!**" Minoru runs for his life.

* * *

Back at Kyoto Animation, Akira puts her cell phone back in her pocket. "Damn interference. I think we have too many computers here..."

Akira watched the Morning News on TV.

**[News Update: Amature Footage of alleged PikachuMan]**

On TV, a man in a Pikachu suit is running through a forest...

_**Newsreader:**__ "Amateur footage of what appears to be a half-man, half-Pikachu wandering through the outskirts of Kyoto. Scientists speculate that the PikachuMan may be the result of Genetic Engineering. Police advise caution when approaching anyone who appears to be a PikachuMan or a PikachuWoman..."_

A manager of Kyoto Animation walked into the waiting room. "Miss Kogami. It appears that the film crew lost Shiraishi during the UFO sighting at Mt. Fuji. Our only option now is to call in a temporary replacement until Shiraishi is found. Do you agree to that?"

Akira simply waves her hand. "Yeah, yeah. As long as the show goes on..."

* * *

**[Ryouou High School Secret Underground Bunker, 10:22 am]**

Meanwhile, in the underground base beneath the School building, a group of JDF Soldiers are guarding Yui's car.

Sakuraba and the Man in Black walk up to the soldiers. The Man in Black points at the Blue Subaru. "Colonel, you and your men have been relieved of your duties to guard the car. This operation is now under the jurisdiction of the **United States of America**!"

JDF Colonel Mustang groans. "I do not understand why you Yanks have jurisdiction when it comes to the UFOs? It wouldn't kill you to share, you know?"

The Man in Black glares at Mustang through is sunglasses. "Listen, I represent the greatest country on Earth and that comes with special privileges..."

Suddenly, the Blue Subaru drives off...

"Goddamn Son of a Bitch!" the Man in Black cursed. The soldiers and the Man in Black chase after the runaway car on foot.

Inside Yui's car, Satoshi is sitting at the passenger's seat while his brunette buddy is doing the driving.

"I can't believe we actually stole the Legendary Blue Subaru from a Secret JDF Facility, Taichi!"

Taichi grinned as he drives the car. "This is nothing. Next, I'm going to drift this baby on the Hakone Expressway..."

Satoshi looks at his watch. "As long as I get back to the Café before Noon. I got to prepare for the After-School rush."

* * *

**[Ryouou High School Cafeteria, 12:01 pm]**

During Lunch Break, Konata receives a text message on her cell phone.

"Is it a message from your Dad?" asks Kagami.

Konata reads the message. "No. It's a message from my boss. He found Yui-neesan's car. It's right outside the Café."

Kagami eats a meatball. "Come to think of it, how exactly did your boss hire you? When I met him a few days ago, he seems to be a different type of Otaku compared your Dad. He doesn't seem to be the type to hire you because of your body..."

Konata takes a bite of her Choco Cornet. "To be honest, it's a long story..."

* * *

**[Flashback: How Konata met Satoshi]**

_**Konata:** "It all started when I decided to buy the last Choco Cornet in an Akihabara Convenience Store..."_

Konata was at the glass cabinet in the convenience store and there was only one Choco Cornet remaining. As Konata tried to take the Choco Cornet with her tongs, another person tried to take it as well.

"I saw it first," said Konata.

"No, I saw it first and I'm taking it."

Konata used her tongs to deflect the other person's tongs. "Hands off my Choco Cornet!"

"No." Without any hesitation, the other person grabbed another set of tongs to swipe the Choco Cornet, but Konata countered with a second set of tongs she grabbed and blocked her rival's tongs. Now, the fight is on...

Konata and her red-capped opponent's tong fight has moved on into the store Aisles as Konata and her opponent switched weapons from tongs to boxes of Cling Wrap from the shelves and used them as makeshift swords. The 'Swordfight' then brought Konata and the red-cap opponent into the cereal aisle. With two hard swings with the boxes of cling wrap, the weapons were sent flying into the air. Konata quickly picked up a cereal box as her opponents throws a punch at Konata. With one punch, the opponent's fist penetrates the cereal box, spilling a large amount of cereal on the floor. Konata jumps onto a nearby supermarket trolley. With one kick to the shelf, she sent herself on the trolley towards her opponent. Konata then swings her leg.

"**FLYING TROLLEY ROUNDHOUSE KICK!**"

Konata's opponent is struck by Konata's powerful kick with the added velocity of the moving trolley. Konata jumps off the trolley before it hits a wall and Konata's opponent quickly recovers from the kick. Konata runs into the freezer and takes out three boxes of Frozen Burgers.

Konata throws a burger box at the red-capped opponent. The opponent performs a left hook that knocks the box away. Konata throws her second burger box, but the opponent's right hook knocks away that box. Konata launches her final box, but an uppercut renders that projectile useless.

Before the fight could continue, a gun is fired, causing both Konata and her opponent to stop fighting. The Store Clerk Hikaru Agata is holding a 9mm.

"That's enough! The last Choco Cornet that you two are fighting over has been sold. Now I want you two to make peace right now!"

Both Konata and the red-cap man refused to comply, so the Store Clerk fires his 9mm again. "My store, my rules! Now shake hands."

Konata and her opponent shook hands reluctantly. "Now hug. Hug or I'll shoot!" Konata and the man hugged each other, not wanting to risk a bullet embedded in their bodies.

_**Kagami: **__"Wait a minute."_

**[Flashback Paused]**

Kagami raised a finger, interrupting the Flashback. "You're just embellishing the story..."

Both Konata and Tsukasa have confused looks on their faces. Tsukasa's look is no surprise as she doesn't usually keep up on Current Events, but Konata's confusion added to Kagami's frustration. "Since when did two people fighting over a Choco Cornet in Akihabara becomes a brawl?"

"Actually, there was a strange news story around the time when Konata got her job at the Cosplay Cafe last year. It shows surveillance footage of a fight in a Convenience Store in Akihabara," Miyuki explained. "The police are unable to perform a proper investigation, but I hear that the video was sensation on the Internet."

Kagami frowns. "It must have been one of those weird but true news reports in between a cute baby animal story and an earthquake at who-knows-where."

Konata continues her story. "Anyway, the punch line is that the guy I fought was my Boss."

Miyuki remains tactful with her words. "It must be a quite unique job interview."

"I only found out when I arrived at the Cosplay Café. The moment he saw me trying to apply for a job there, he hired me on the spot. It's like the laws of the Universe revolve around me!"

Kagami frowns. _'If the laws of the universe revolve around you, Konata, I think I can kiss this Planet goodbye.'_

Kagami changes the subject. "By the way, the Finals are starting next week. How are you going to handle both your job and the exams at the same time?"

Konata remains her usual calm self. "I'm not worried. My boss is finding my temporary replacement during the Exams at this moment so that I can study for it. Hopefully, the temp wouldn't be much of a bother to Patty..."

* * *

Satoshi is on his cellphone. "Hello, is this the Temp Agency? Yeah, I'm in need for a temp because one of my waitresses is unable to work for the next couple of weeks due to her Final Exams..."

_**Temp Agency:**__ "I'm sorry, but all the available girls in the16-24 age group have been assigned by other stores to prepare for the Post-Exam Sales. All we have left are guys."_

"Alright, if that is the case, can I have the shortest guy you have who is also a bit girly?"

_**Temp Agency:**__ "Well, the closest one we have is a guy called Ikki Tenryo. He has a ponytail, so that should make him girly enough."_

"I'm interested. Tell me more."

_**Temp Agency: **__"Tenryo was a Voice Actor but he was busted for Anime Bootlegging and Video Game Piracy, so he's currently on Work Release from prison."_

Without batting an eyelid, Satoshi has made his decision. "I'll take him."

_**Temp Agency: **__"No worries. He'll be at your Café at 1 pm."_

Satoshi puts his cellphone in his pocket. "Taichi, I really need to get back to the Café right now so that we can dump the car there."

Taichi drifts the Blue Subaru on the Hakone Expressway. "Sure thing. Once I lose the cops..."

The Blue Subaru is being pursued by a bunch of Cop cars on the expressway...

**[Police Chase, 12:21 pm]**

"I forgot this car is hot. The owner of the Legendary Blue Subaru is a Cop," Taichi said as he calmly drives the Blue Subaru at its maximum speed.

Satoshi could only shake his head in frustration.

* * *

**[Middle of Nowhere, 12:34 pm]**

Minoru is aimlessly wandering around wilderness. "I'm so hungry..."

As Minoru leans on a tree, he spots something that he never expected to see in the middle of nowhere. A hot steaming bowl of Ramen is on the ground.

"Is that Ramen?" Minoru runs to the Ramen, only to find it missing.

"Where did the Ramen go?" Minoru sees the bowl of Ramen on a rock. "There you are."

Minoru runs to the rock, only to find the Ramen missing. It was then he realized something. "Oh, I get it. It was one of those Ramen mirages."

Minoru's stomach begins to rumble. "But I'm really hungry." Minoru spots a dead bird on the ground. "I guess I have no choice. I have to eat this bird, but how am I going to eat it."

Minoru suddenly has an idea. "Wait, didn't I imagine those bowls of Ramen earlier? If I use the same the mirage trick on this bird, I can pretend it's a Fried Chicken. Here goes nothing..."

Minoru closed his eyes for a bit. He then reopens his eyes to find the dead bird in his hands replaced with a piece of fried Chicken. "Now that's what I'm talking about."

Minoru eats the Chicken. "Man, I wish I was in that Blue Subaru the Aliens abducted. Then I could be out of here in an instant..."

* * *

Meanwhile, Yui's Blue Subaru is abandoned outside the Cosplay Café in Akihabara. The car thief is nowhere to be seen...

**[Cosplay Café, 1:06 pm]**

Satoshi is interviewing the new Temp in his office.

"I'm really grateful for you to give me this job," said Ikki "My life has been going down the gutter ever since my imprisonment."

Satoshi puts a strange watch-like device on Ikki's left wrist. "What's this?"

"A GPS Tracker as part of your work release condition. If try to remove that thing without my knowledge, an alarm will go off and you're going back to jail, got it?"

Ikki is confused at Satoshi's actions. "But why do I need it while working in a Cosplay Cafe?"

Satoshi writes on a sheet of paper. "To be honest, I wanted a female temp to work as a waitress, but since you're the only one available, I decided that you're going to have to work on one of my other jobs. If anyone asks, I hired you to work in the Kitchen."

"I suppose that could work. What am I suppose to do?"

Satoshi puts a parcel on his desk. "This is one of my so-called 'side-jobs' meant to be off-the-books. I need you to deliver this to package for me to this address. Tell them it's a package from Satoshi and come back straight away for your next job."

* * *

**[Ryouou High School, 1:10 PM]**

Classes are done for the day, so Hiyori and Patty are walking towards the train station on their way to work...

"Finals are next week. Do you think Satoshi will be able to find Konata's Replacement for the next two weeks?" Patty asks.

Hiyori rubs her chin. "Well, if memory serves me, Satoshi would have problems finding a girl in our age group as a Temp because other stores like Gamers are preparing for the End of Finals Sales. He'll probably hire a girly-looking boy to replace Konata for the next few weeks."

* * *

Back at the Cosplay Café, Satoshi is watching the news on TV...

**Newsreader:** "In breaking news, another body has been found. Police believed the Serial Killer they've dubbed as the _**'Meganekko Serial Killer'**_ is responsible. Police used the _'Meganekko'_ term because the killer allegedly makes his victims wear corrective lenses during his killing sprees. Police have also linked the _**'Meganekko Serial Killer'**_ to the theft of a large shipment of corrective lenses from an Optician in Akihabara as the glasses found on the victims match the details of the stolen goods."

Konata enters the Café. "Hey, Satoshi. I'm here to collect my cousin's car."

"Yeah, well. The cops chased the car thief down the alleyway and I think he got away," Satoshi said. "I told them that the car thief is a blonde guy who has a bit of an ahoge with a pony tail and I was under the impression that he's shorter than you."

Konata shrugs. "This is Akihabara, so anyone can be anyone here. Anyway, Yui-neesan asked me to drive her car back home. Thanks for your help."

Satoshi nods. "I was able to find it by chance, so I'm happy to help."

Ikki returns with a brown paper bag. "Hey Boss. I delivered the package like you told me to and they told me to give this to you. What's next?"

Satoshi looks at his watch to check the time. "Wow, that's pretty fast." Satoshi points at a bunch of flyers on "Okay, here's your next job. I need you to help advertise for the Café by dropping these flyers into the letter boxes. Hopefully, the new flyers will attract Otakus to come here like its Comiket. And if you run out of flyers, come back here to get a refill."

"No problem." Ikki walks out of the office with the flyers.

"Who is he?" Konata asks.

"I hired him to be your _'replacement'_ because he was the only person available, so I'm giving him the task of doing a few things for me."

Konata nods. "Okay. It's just that his voice sounds familiar."

* * *

**[Yui's Car, 2:16 pm]**

Konata is driving the Blue Subaru back to Saitama. Despite looking like a 6th Grader, Konata is a licensed driver, so even her traffic cop Cousin has no objections to her driving the Blue Subaru. Konata turns on the radio...

**Radio: **_"...ureshisa wo atsumeyou,  
Katan nanda yo konna no,  
Oikakete ne tsukamaete mite,  
Ooki na yume & yume suki deshou?"_

**(Song Ends)**

* * *

**[R.I.C.K.Y FM, 2:17 pm]**

DJ Alphonse Elric is in the studio. "We're halfway through the Two Hour Double-Shot Anime hits on **R.I.C.K.Y FM**. Aya Hirano's _'Hare Hare Yukai'_, our magic song of the hour. Call now and you could win a Million Yen by playing our quiz."

* * *

"A million yen?" Konata picks up her phone and dials the number. Unfortunately, she isn't looking where she is driving and the Blue Subaru hits another vehicle. Konata gets out of the car to survey the damage as she listens to her cell phone.

The Blue Subaru has rear-ended a car that represents _**'Debster's Encyclopedia Deliveries'**_. Encyclopedia Salesman Junpei gets out of his car.

"Look what you did to my car, you _(beep)_!" Junpei cursed. He spots Konata holding the cell phone. "Damn _(beep)_, get off the phone!"

"Hey, I'm trying to win a million yen here!" retorts Konata.

Junpei walks up to Konata. "Give me the damn phone!"

* * *

DJ Al checks his computer. "It looks like we got a call on the line." Al presses a button. "Hello, you're on the air."

_**Konata: **__"Hi, this is Konata Izumi from Saitama..." (_Junpei:_ "Get off the (beep)ing phone!")_

"Are you having a problem over there?" DJ Al asks.

* * *

"No problems. Just give me the questions..."

Back on the road, Junpei pushes Konata over as she tries to talk on the phone. In retaliation, Konata punches Junpei in the face.

* * *

DJ Al nods. He proceeds to read the questions.

"Alright, to win the Million Yen, here's the first question: **'Which Anime Series made in the late 90s is based on raising Digital pets that can battle each other using a Digital devices?'**"

* * *

Junpei throws an encyclopedia at Konata. "Hey! Watch where you're throwing that thing, you stinking Digimon!" Konata yells.

* * *

On the other end of the call, DJ Al rings a bell.

"That's correct, Konata! Digimon is the correct answer. Well done. You're two questions away from winning the Million Yen."

* * *

Junpei is trying to strangle Konata as she struggles against her much larger adversary. Konata lands a kick at Junpei's groin, forcing him to release her. Konata quickly performs a roundhouse kick at Junpei's face.

Konata returns to her phone call. "I'm still here."

* * *

DJ Al reads the next question. "Here's your next question: **'If you had myopia, which part of your body will be affected?'**"

* * *

Konata smacks Junpei in the face with her phone and it just happens that the phone hits Junpei at one of his eyes. "Owww, my eye!" screamed Junpei.

* * *

DJ Al rings the bell again.

"You're right. Myopia is the degenerative form of blindness that affects the eye. The audience loves you, Konata. You're one question away from the Million Yen. And here's the moment of truth. Are you ready?"

* * *

Junpei is now holding Konata in a headlock as Konata struggles for her cell phone. Konata grabs her cell phone and struggles with her words. "Just...give me...the question..."

Junpei glares at Konata. "I'll give you..."

* * *

DJ Al reads the final question. "**'What is the scientific term for the psychosis that affects violent motorists?'** You have 30 seconds..."

* * *

Konata drops her cellphone and grabs a loose Encyclopedia. Using the heavy book, she bashes Junpei in the head, knocking him out cold. Konata then quickly looks through the Encyclopedia, hoping for an answer to the question. The first few words of a random page happened to get her the answer: **'What is Road Rage?'**

Konata picks up her cell phone. "Is the answer **'Road Rage'**?"

* * *

At the Radio Station, the Final Fantasy Victory Theme is played.

"You did it, Konata! You won the Million yen! All you need to do is come straight to the station to collect it!"

* * *

"Awesome! I'm on my way!" Konata ends the call and she barely dodged a flying encyclopedia thrown by Junpei.

* * *

Meanwhile, Ikki is putting a flyer for the Cosplay Café into a letterbox when a red-haired glasses wearing woman walks out of the door.

"Excuse me, but I need a little bit of help here. Do you mind?"

Being the helpful person, Ikki agrees. "Sure thing. What do you need me to do?"

**[Karin's Home, 4:32 pm]**

"Come on in and I'll show you." Ikki is invited into Karin's kitchen. Karin closes the front door. "Just wait here while I get something."

As Ikki waits, Karin returns a Zanbato sword as she swings the weapon at Ikki...

* * *

**[Akira's Car, 4:50 pm]**

Akira is driving her car as she drinks her coffee. "Yuck, how can anyone drink this crap?"

Akira flings her coffee out of the window. At the side of the road, Junpei is standing next to his wrecked **'Debster's Encyclopedia Delivery'** Car speaking on his cell phone. Akira's coffee splash onto Junpei's clothes.

"_(Beep)_! What the _(beep)_?" Junpei returns to his call. "What the _(beep)_ happened? I'll tell you what the _(beep)_ happened. First, some _(beep)_ing blue-haired midget schoolgirl rear-ends me and kicks my ass. Then, some _(beep)_ goes and throws her coffee at me! This would never happen if _(beep)_ing Wikipedia never existed!"

Akira continues to drive as she decides to make a phone call on her cell phone. The call goes through...

"Hello, this is Karin speaking."

"Karin, its Akira here. I've been thinking about your offer to put me in a new series where I get to be a Meganekko. How many episodes do you plan to make?"

* * *

Karin could hear a faint groan. "Give me one second while I check my notes." Karin picks up Zanbato and lands the finishing blow on her victim.

Karin resumes her phone call. "We could probably start off with the usual 15 episodes and if the show is popular enough, we could extend it to 20, maybe 30 episodes."

* * *

Outside Karin's home, Detective Ichijouji is leading a team of heavily armed Special Response Unit officers.

"Alright men, be very careful. We don't know what we are going to find in there and this person could be a serial killer. Now, after three." The officers brace themselves. "One, two..." The officers are about to storm the home but the Detective stops them. "Wait for it...three! Go!"

The officers storm the home by breaking down the front door into the house. The first thing the police officers have seen shocked them right to the core...

"Holy _(beep)_! Look at that!" yelled Detective Ichijouji.

In the kitchen, Karin is standing over her victim, with her victim Ikki wearing a pair of glasses after being brutally attacked by the Zanbato while Karin is on the phone.

"Akira, I think I'm going to have to call you back..."

* * *

**[Cosplay Café, 6:02 pm]**

Patty and Hiyori enter the kitchen. "Satoshi, we are a bit behind on the food. What's going on?"

The two Cosplay Waitresses notice that Satoshi is staring at the TV in shock. They decided to check out what's on TV that is causing Satoshi's reaction...

**[Breaking News: Former Voice Actor slain by Meganekko Serial Killer]**

On TV, the Reporter is standing next to Ikki's corpse in the Meganekko Serial Killer's home.

_**News Reporter:**__ "It is grotesque. The horror house of the Meganekko Serial Killer, who is in fact, a Meganekko herself, and the body of her latest victim, former Voice Actor Ikki Tenryou."_

"Hey, isn't that Konata's replacement?" said Hiyori.

_**Reporter:**__ "It is a sad end to the life of Ikki Tenryou, who started off as very well as a Voice Actor for the hit Medabot series in the early 2000s, before being arrested for Anime and Video Game Piracy. Currently released on parole, he was delivering flyers for a little known Cosplay Café in Akihabara until he became the latest victim of Japan's most vicious serial killer."_

Patty does the four signs of the Cross as Satoshi could only utter, "He was the closest person to being a celebrity I've ever hired."

Hiyori looks around. "Does this mean that we need to look for another temp?"

**[End of Chapter 02. Hope you enjoyed your time at the Cosplay Café...]**

**

* * *

**

[Cast:]

**[Cosplay Café Staff:]**

Konata Izumi - Konata

Patricia Martin - Patty

Hiyori Tamura - Hiyori

Satoshi Katsumoto - Cosplay Café Owner

**[Lucky Star Characters:]**

Nanako Kuroi - Herself

Minoru Shiraishi - Lost

Akira Kogami - Idol

Hikaru Sakuraba - Biology Teacher/Scientist

Kagami Hiiragi - Tsundere

Miyuki Takara - Meganekko

**[Guest Stars/Everyone Else:]  
**Taichi Yagami - Car Thief  
Ikki Tenryou - Hired Temp/Murder Victim  
Kero-Beros - Temp Agency  
Hikaru Agata - Convenience Store Owner  
Eriol Hiragizawa - Newsreader  
Alphonse Elric - R.I.C.K.Y FM DJ  
Konno Mitsune - Reporter  
Junpei Shibayama - Encyclopedia Salesman  
Ken Ichijouji - Plainclothes Detective  
Max Mizuhara - Man in Black  
Roy Mustang - JDF Colonel  
Karin - Meganekko Serial Killer

Special Thanks to Taichi Yagami's Crazy Sunshine Team providing extras and stunts...


	3. Otaku Café

The fanfic that pushes the boundaries of everything the Author knows about Anime, Manga, Fanfiction and Real Life...

**Konata Izumi's Big Bite (or Big Bite for short)**

_03: Otaku Café _

A Team PikaFlash Fanfic, working on Fanfics for 10 Years

Disclaimers: All character(s) and series belong to their respective owner(s)...

* * *

**[Hiiragi Household, 7:31 PM]**

Kagami and her family _(minus Tsukasa)_ are watching TV.

**[JNN News Update]**

_**Newsreader:**__ "In breaking news, the Commissioner of Police has announced tough new anti-crime laws..."_

Commissioner Uchiha is at a press conference.

**[Commissioner Announces "Otaku" Law]**

The Commissioner makes his announcement. "Due to the recent wave of violence in Japan, a new law came into affect this morning. I'm calling it the **'Otaku Law'**. The police now have new powers to detain and search anyone outside Akihabara who is cosplaying, wearing Anime-Related Clothing, maintaining spiky hair or having loud colorful hairstyles."

Kagami rolled her eyes as she heard the report. "You cannot be serious. How could anyone be so judgmental over the color of somebody's hair? My hair is completely natural. And since when did Otakus considered themselves to be violent?"

* * *

**[Saitama Police HQ, 7:33 PM]**

Meanwhile at Saitama Prefecture Police Headquarters, a group of gun-wielding Bandits wearing Anime Character masks to disguise themselves are shooting at the Police.

Officer Yui is holding her pistol as takes cover behind a desk. Yui's supervisor quickly rolled on the floor to Yui's desk and sat next to her.

"Yui, don't forget to log this attack in the _**'Attacks on the Department'**_ logbook."

Yui nods. "Yes, Sergeant."

Both Yui and the Sergeant took cover from another wave of bullets as an officer in the background gets hit in the arm.

Yui suddenly remembers something about the logbook. "Oh, but I just remembered. The logbook is full. Where can I find another one?"

The sergeant dodged a bullet. "Sorry, Yui, but with the budget cuts we can't afford new stationary, so you're going to have to write it on the wall next to the phone..."

* * *

Back at the Hiiragi household, Tsukasa has returned with some drinks for her family as the next TV show starts as Tsukasa sits next to her twin.

"You're just in time, Tsukasa. The show is about to start. They're going to show the guy who was stalking the Shrine."

* * *

**[Japanese Most Wanted]**

A man in a suit is in an office. "Welcome to Japanese Most Wanted. I'm Takeshi Muno and tonight is a very special episode."

_**Takeshi: **__"Soon, we'll go live to Tokyo Detention Center where we'll witness the first non-Death Note related execution in 3 years."_

On screen, a man is being escorted by Guards.

**Takeshi: **_"Known as the _**'Miko Serial Killer'**_ and self-confessed Otaku, Kosaburo (bleeped) has been terrorizing Shinto Shrines for nearly 13 years and now, he has only 15 minutes to live."_

* * *

"Scumbag," Kagami mumbled.

"It's good to see that people like him will be off the streets," said Tadao. "I can't believe he tried to kill one of our daughters. If it weren't for Kagami's friend who caught him stalking the shrine, who knows what would have happened?"

Miki nods. "I'm glad you have such a good friend, Kagami."

Kagami simply nods. "I'm sure Konata would be happy to hear your praises." As Kagami looks back at the TV. _'Still, I should be grateful to Konata since it was an Otaku who caught a dangerous Otaku.'_

Suddenly, Kagami's cell phone rings. "Hiiragi speaking...yeah. Just put on what I gave you and do what you'll always do."

Kagami hangs up as she resumes watching the TV show.

_**Takeshi:**__ "Right now, our reporter, Konno Mitsune is at the detention center. Mitsune?"_

* * *

**[Live in Tokyo Detention Center]**

Konno Mitsune is at the Detention Center watching the condemned Serial Killer is resisting his escort while cursing in the background behind the bars.

Mitsune looks at the camera. "Not all is going well, Takeshi. Apparently, there's been a dispute over Kosaburo's last meal and he's very upset. Apparently, his last demand is that his Ramen must be delivered to him by a Miko. Oh wait, she's here now."

Mitsune sees a short _'Miko'_ with her blue hair tied to two ponytails walking towards the cell with the Ramen. "Sorry for the delay, but I got lost on the way here."

Mitsune's commentary: _"The meal is being passed to Kosaburo, no doubt the last meal he will ever eat..."_

As the guard collects the ramen and passes the meal to Kosaburo, the Serial Killer recognizes the _'Miko'_ who brought the Ramen.

"What the _(beep)_? You're not a Miko! You're the girl who caught me stalking the shrine! Legendary Girl A!"

Mitsune's Commentary: _"And it looks like Kosaburo is refusing to eat his ramen because Kosaburo believes that the Miko delivering his meal is not a real Miko."_

Konata points at herself. "What are you talking about? I am Kagami Hiiragi of the Takanomiya Shrine. I volunteered to deliver your last meal to you out of the pureness of my heart."

Kosaburo is being dragged away by the guards cursing at Konata. "I'm going to _(beep)_ing kill you and your family, Legendary Girl A!"

Mitsune rolls her eyes. "It's his last meal. What difference is it going to make if it's served by a Miko or not?"

* * *

Back at the Hiiragi's residence, everyone's suspicion is now on Kagami, who is calmly drinking her drink. "What?"

**[Flashback: 2 Hours Ago]**

Kagami is outside the Izumi Residence holding a brown paper bag while waiting for Konata outside.

"Hey, Kagami. What's so important that you don't want my father or Yutaka to find out?"

Kagami looks around. "Listen, how would you like to pretend to be a Miko for one night?"

Konata grins. "I'm all ears, Kagamin."

Kagami passed the brown paper bag with a piece of paper to Konata. "All you need to do is put on the clothes and go to this place in 2 hours. Once you get there, call me."

**[End Flashback]**

Kagami plays the ignorant card. "I have no idea what Konata is doing there pretending to be me and I don't want to know. Though if this was my idea, I would have considered it a parting insult to that Serial Killer."

**

* * *

**

[Seizure St., 8:01 pm]

Sojiro Izumi is walking down a street on his way home after purchasing a new Dating Sim when he notices a man having a seizure on the ground.

"Damn! You got real bad breath!" Sojiro pulls out a blue handkerchief and covers his face.

The sick man takes out a syringe. "I'm diabetic. I need you to jab me with my insulin!"

Sojiro tries to hold his breath while speaking to the Diabetic. "You're kidding! Your breath stinks! Where do you need me to inject you?"

"In the stomach!"

Sojiro tries to concentrate on injecting the Diabetic, but the bad breath overwhelms Sojiro's senses, causing him to run to bin and throw up...

* * *

**[Iwasaki Residence, 8:04 pm]**

Hiyori and Minami are sitting on a sofa watching TV, with Hiyori having a few quick glances at Minami.

Minami notices Hiyori's glances. "Is there something on my face, Tamura-san?"

"Oh, I'm just checking to see if there's anything different after my first hypnosis attempt."

**[Flashback]**

Hiyori is swinging a pendulum in front of a hypnotized Minami. "You do not need to feel self-obsessed with your body. Instead, transfer that energy into protecting your damsel. If Kobayakawa-san is in danger, you will become OOC by becoming the most overprotective you've ever been."

**[End Flashback]**

Hiyori looks at the TV. "Oh, look. The show is back on."

Before the conversation could continue, the TV show returns from an Ad break...

* * *

**[Japanese Most Wanted]**

Takeshi is back on TV.

"Welcome back. In the past few weeks, we've been following the story of the Syringe Bandit."

**[Security Camera footage of a man holding a syringe while covering his face with a blue bandanna while robbing a convenience store.]**

"He's been caught on camera many times robbing convenience stores around Japan. He is wearing a blue bandanna and uses a blood-filled syringe as his weapon. Now, if you see this man, police advise that you should proceed with caution. He is extremely dangerous."

* * *

**[Miyako's Convenience Store, 8:07 pm]**

Miyako and her friend Iori are watching _'Japanese Most Wanted'_ on TV.

"I hope he doesn't come into my store," said Miyako.

At that moment, Sojiro walks into the Convenience Store with the Syringe and a blue Handkerchief.

"Excuse me! I need a bit of help here! Someone out there needs an insulin injection but I can't stand his bad breath!"

"Aww crap," Miyako cursed.

"Call the cops. I'll deal with this." Iori pulls out his Kendo sword. "Take this, vile fiend!" Iori runs up to Sojiro and beats him with the Kendo Sword...

* * *

**[Koushiro's home, 8:13 pm]**

A man opens an envelope to find a Million Yen in cash. "Let me get this straight. You're paying me a million yen to kill a female Otaku."

"Yeah."

The Hitman keeps the envelope in his jacket. "What did this chick do to you? Steal your 1st Edition Manga or something?"

A growl was heard in reply to that statement. "It was a long _(beep)_**ING STORY**!"

**[Flashback: The Relationship Breakdown...]**

The Otaku's girlfriend looked at his cell phone and finds a picture of Konata in her Cosplay outfit. "You _(beep)_! I knew it. You're a Lolicon and a _(beep)_ing Pedophile!"

The Otaku tries to rectify the misunderstanding. "But she's eighteen! She just happened to be short and have a flat chest!"

The girlfriend refuses to listen to him. "Liar! Now I know the truth and how much of a freak you are! I've tolerated you being an Otaku for a long time, but this is the last straw!"

"But..."

"You took that photo just to _(beep)_ me off! I'm leaving and don't follow me!"

"But I love you!"

The angry ex-girlfriend flips the bird at the Otaku. "_(beep)_ off! I've had it with you and your Otaku ways!"

* * *

The Otaku is in tears as he cries over his breakup...

* * *

The Otaku confronts Konata at the Cosplay Cafe.

"You _(beep)_! This is all your _(beep)_ing fault!"

The Otaku strangles Konata, but Konata retaliates by beating him into submission with a PS2 Game Controller...

**[End Flashback]**

The Hitman finished hearing the Otaku's story. "Okay, so how did you find me?"

"I found your number on your Ad on the Internet," the Otaku answered.

"Right, so do you have a photo of the target?"

The Otaku leads the Hitman into a room filled with photos of an 18-year old Blue-haired girl, each photo marked with the words "Die" on every image of the Blunette, including a shrine dedicating to the death of the Cosplayer who ruined his life...

"**I WANT HER **_(beep)_**ING DEAD!**" The Otaku screamed with ferocity.

* * *

**[Sojiro Arrested, 8:25 pm]**

"Please! I got nothing to do with the Syringe Bandit!"

The police escorts Sojiro to the Police Station in a police car.

* * *

**[Kakashi's Icha-Icha Online Shop, 8:36 pm]**

In an apartment above a Bookstore, a silver-haired man wearing a flu mask and a man in a security uniform are watching a video on the computer. Moaning could be heard from Kakashi's computer.

"What do you think of this? Akira Kogami and Minoru Shiraishi. Look at them! Look at the way she's doing it!"

Kakashi nods. "How did you get your hands on this footage, Jiraiya?"

The security guard laughs. "There are cameras all over the place and I'm the head of security at Kyoto Animation."

Kakashi smiles under his facemask. "We are going to make a fortune selling this on the Internet."

* * *

**[Iwasaki Residence, 8:44 pm]**

Minami answers a phone call in the Iwasaki residence.

"Iwasaki Residence, Minami speaking."

_**Yutaka:**__ "Minami-chan! It's getting quite late and Uncle Sojiro and Konata-neesan aren't back yet! And I think there are killer Otakus outside my house and they are here to kill me!"_

**[Japanese Most Wanted]**

On TV, Takeshi introduces the next report.

_**Takeshi: **__"Up next, Otakus that kill you in your own home!"_

**[Up next: Killer Otakus]**

On TV, two Otakus wearing Character masks are shooting at the camera...

_**Yutaka: **__"Help!"_

Hiyori's hypnosis kicks in and Minami's attitude suddenly does a 180 from calm and silent to overprotective and panicked. Hiyori quickly pulls out a video camera to record her results.

"I'm on my way, Yutaka! Hold on!"

Minami and Hiyori quickly run over next door to Miyuki's home. After a frantic knock on the door, Miyuki answers the door. "Oh, Minami. Can I help you?"

"Takara-san! We need your help! We need you to drive us to Izumi's home! Yutaka needs help!"

"Sure thing. My family car is just around the corner."

Miyuki, Minami and Hiyori walk around the corner towards where the car is parked. Strangely, there is no car parked there.

"Where did our car go?"

* * *

**[Takara Family Car, 8:52 pm]**

Three teenage boys are having a joyride inside Miyuki's stolen car.

"I just realized something," said one of the boys. "My dad owns the company that makes this car!"

"Awesome!"

One of the other teenage boys with spiky duck-butt hair nods. "Yeah. Just because we're rich and well-educated doesn't mean we can't steal cars and be Otakus. And the best thing is that if we get caught, we have the money to buy our way out."

* * *

**[Saitama Police Station, 9:01 pm]**

Sojiro is inside an interrogation room and Detective Jenny puts a sheet of paper in front of Sojiro.

"Please sign this form. It's a indicating that you are aware that due to budget cuts, I am to play the roles of both Good Cop and Bad Cop."

"Okay..." Sojiro signs the form.

Jenny sits next to Sojiro. "Listen, are you comfortable? Do you need a pillow or something? Tea?"

"Listen, I have nothing to do with the Syringe Bandit. There was this Diabetic..." Sojiro tries to explain but Jenny stops him.

"I understand. Listen, you want tickets to the next Comiket? It's VIP with All Access. "

"I suppose so."

"Alright. You comfortable? You need anything?"

Sojiro shakes his head. "I don't need anything. I'll be fine."

"Alright, I'll be back in a minute." Jenny walks out of the interrogation room into the Coffee room where Detective Ichijouji is having his coffee.

"Hey, Ken."

"Jenny."

"What role are you playing at the moment?" Jenny asks.

"Bad Cop," answered Ken. "I started off as Good Cop, but I lost my train of thought. Then, I decided to go to the cells to bust some heads before becoming Good Cop again. Let me tell you, these damn budget cuts are _(beep)_ing me up!"

Jenny nods. "Yeah, I was playing Good Cop, now I'm going to play Bad Cop. Can I borrow your Phone book?"

"Go ahead."

Jenny takes Ken's phone book. She returns to the interrogation room where Sojiro expects Good Cop Jenny to return.

"Alright, you piece of _(beep)_!" She slams the phone book onto the interrogation desk. "Now listen to me, you little _(beep)_! You take that phone book. Get the _(beep)_ing phone book!"

Sojiro grabs the phone book in fear as Jenny glares at him. "You know what to do with it! Do it!"

Sojiro cries as he beats himself with the phone book. "Yeah, beat the _(beep)_ out of yourself!"

* * *

**[Miyako's Convenience Store, 9:06 pm]**

The Hitman buys a newspaper from Miyako's Convenience Store. The real Syringe bandit walks into the store.

"Hey, nobody move or they'll get jabbed by my syringe!"

The Hitman rolls his eyes as he leaves the store.

"I'm the Syringe Bandit, man! Give me your _(beep)_ing money, now!"

Iori picks up his Kendo Sword. "You want a piece of this?"

* * *

Back at the police station, Bad Cop Jenny watches Sojiro beat himself with the phone book. "That's right, you drug-taking Otaku! You _(beep)_ing deserve it!"

* * *

**[Konata's Car, 9:11 pm]**

"Dammit! Satoshi stole this car for me so that the cops won't pester me for being an Otaku..."

Konata is sitting inside a Yellow Mazda as a police car pulls the Mazda over. Fortunately, Konata is not wearing the Miko outfit, so she doesn't need to put up an act.

The two police officers walk up to Konata's car. "What seems to be the problem, Officer?"

One of the officers looks at Konata. "I have reason to believe that your blue hair makes you an Otaku and you are driving a car made popular by an Anime series. Can I see your license, please?"

"Whoa, just because I have blue hair doesn't mean that you can discriminate me for being an Otaku."

The officer glares at Konata. "Don't try to get smart with me, Otaku punk! You're going to buy Anime in Akihabara, aren't you?"

"I'm not," Konata protests. "I'm just trying to go home. Compared to you overpaid and underworked cops."

The cop growls at the insult. "Oh no, I think you're going to Akihabara because you're an Otaku. You do know that it is an offense to give false information to a police officer?"

Konata groans. 'Does this guy have some kind of inbuilt Otaku Radar or is he an Otaku-hater in general?'

* * *

**[DJ Kero's Night Club, 9:22 pm]**

Akira Kogami and Minoru Shiraishi are dancing in a crowded nightclub when Akira notices that a screen has a very familiar image of herself and Minoru...

Akira mumbles. "Shiraishi, what the _(beep)_ is that doing there?"

Minoru shrugs. "I don't know."

"Well, do something about it. It's a video of us having sex."

"Alright."

Minoru runs to the DJ and yells at him. "What the _(beep)_ is that? Where is it coming from?"

DJ Kero removes his headphones. "Man, I got it straight off the Internet!"

Akira looks at the other party-goers. "Does that angle make me look fat?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Kakashi and Jiraiya are watching the same video of Akira and Shiraishi.

"Don't you just love it when you see Akira pretending to like it?" Jiraiya asks. "_'Oh, shovel it in, Shiraishi!'_"

* * *

Miyuki and Minami are trying to flag down a Taxi while Hiyori records the scene on her camera.

A cab did drive by but the driver ignores the three girls. Minami groans. "Come on! How hard is it to get a taxi?"

* * *

Three teenage Otakus led by the spiky duck-butt haired teen walks towards the Izumi residence. Inside, Yutaka could see the three teenagers walking to the house.

Yutaka screams. "Minami, help!"

* * *

**[Japanese Most Wanted]**

Takeshi is on camera. "In breaking news, about 15 minutes ago, Keitaro Urashima's Ice Cream Van was stolen outside his very own home. He's with us in the studio now."

**[Ice Cream Van Stolen]**

Keitaro is standing next to Takeshi. "Keitaro, can you tell us what really happened?"

Keitaro nods. "I saw three crazy girls steal my Ice Cream Van. That Van is my job. Without it, I can't support my Harem and the _(beep)_ing President goes and puts on the _(beep)_ing Otaku Tax and then put a flight path that is making my Harem sick of the _(beep)_ing noise!"

* * *

The Hiiragi family is watching the show on TV.

"What kind of sicko would go and steal an Ice Cream van?" commented Kagami.

* * *

**[Urashima's Soft Serves Van, 9:29 pm]**

Keitaro's Ice Cream Van is driving down a road. Inside, Miyuki is at the driver's seat with Minami sitting at the passenger's seat. Hiyori has her video camera pointed at Minami.

"We're coming, Yutaka!" Minami screams...

* * *

**[Saitama Police Station, 9:35 pm]**

Konata's Yellow Mazda is parked outside the police station. Konata and Sojiro walk out of the police station.

"Thanks for picking me up, Konata. I can't believe the Cops held me for two hours and then they found the real guy while I was beating the crap out of myself with a phonebook. First thing tomorrow, I'm calling Amnesty International. I'm sure they'll be interested in a case like this."

Konata nods. "I agree. These new _'Otaku Laws'_ suck. I got fined 50, 000 Yen just for driving an FD that looks similar to the one from Initial D."

"At least I get to play this new Dating Sim tonight." Sojiro shows Konata the game. Suddenly, a random Otaku runs by and steals Sojiro's game off his hands.

"YOU THIEF! COME BACK! MY DATING SIM IS NOT EVEN WORTH STEALING!"

The Otaku thief runs away from the Police Station with Sojiro's Dating Sim. He runs across a road, but unfortunately, as the thief did not bother to obey the important road rule of looking both ways before crossing, he did not see a speeding Ice Cream truck drive towards him.

The Ice Cream truck runs the thief over as Minami yells, "Forget him! We need to save Yutaka!"

* * *

Back at the police station, Konata could only shake her head. "Oh well. That's life. In my case, no one will snatch my shopping from me because I keep mine in my school bag."

Konata takes out her school bag from the car. "No right-minded thief would steal a schoolgirl's bag, even if it has my Anime-related goods inside."

Behind a tree, the Hitman appears with a newspaper over his hand. He spots Konata and looks at a photo of his blue-haired target to confirm that it is the person he is looking for. With the target in sight, the Hitman drops the newspaper and pulls out his gun. He fires one shot at Konata, but it misses due to Konata's short size. The bullet ricochets into the police station and it hits an officer in the arm.

"Officer down! We're under attack!" The police officers pull out their guns and take cover behind their desks.

The Hitman silently curses as he aims his gun again. He fires it and it misses Konata by an inch too high. The bullet ricochets into the police station and knocks off a Police Officer's hat. "Dammit! It must be those _(beep)_ing Otakus!"

The Hitman takes another shot at Konata and this time, Konata is down on the ground.

"Konata!" screams Sojiro.

* * *

The Hitman runs down a couple of blocks through the alleyways. Once he reaches the road, the Hitman sees a speeding Ice Cream truck coming towards him at the very last minute.

Miyuki runs over the Hitman as she tries her best to drive the Ice Cream van while looking at a Map. "I've never driven to Konata's house before, so I might have some problems..."

"I don't care!" screamed Minami. "We have to save Yutaka!"

* * *

Back at the police station, Sojiro check on his daughter as Konata slowly sits up. "Konata! You're alive?"

Konata looks at her school bag, which has a bullet hole on one side, but not the other. "Dad, I told you it was a smart move to buy a bulletproof Schoolbag."

"Should we report this to the cops? I do need to report my stolen game..."

"I'll just tell Yui-neesan about it later. You go back in and do what you need to do. I got to go over to Miyuki's place to return one of her books she accidentally left at School."

* * *

At DJ Kero's Nightclub, Akira makes a call on her cellphone. "Hello? Is this the police? I have a big problem. Someone has posted a video of me having sex with my co-worker on the Internet..."

* * *

At Saitama Police Station, SWAT is on scene, preparing for the next so-called _'Otaku Attack'_ as Yui is at the phone.

"Listen, I'm sorry but we can't spare any officers because of a few emergencies here at the station. Sorry, what is your name?" As soon as Yui hears the caller's name, she calls over the other officers. "Guys! We have a famous Voice Actor/Idol in trouble!"

All the officers quickly crowd around Yui and the phone. "Please, specify the details of your problem."

_Akira:_ _"Well, I need you to come down here with all the cops with lots of guns and lots of...hats. You know, the hats that you police officers wear. I want them all wearing those hats."_

* * *

The Ice Cream Van is now stopped behind a stalled car. Minami hits the Van's horn. "Come on! Move it!"

Shigeru gets out of his car. "What the _(beep)_ do you think you're doing? I'll stick that horn up your _(beep)_ing ass if you don't stop it!"

Miyuki keeps a calm smile as she looks at Minami. "Minami, I don't think we can go this way..."

Minami glares at Miyuki. "Just keep driving, Takara-san!"

Miyuki steps on the pedal and runs Shigeru over.

"I'm coming, Yutaka!"

* * *

Back at Saitama Police Station, an alarm rings. "The Otaku Alarm is ringing! An Otaku is coming to the station!"

SWAT Officer Riza nods. "Alright, time for some payback!"

The SWAT officers run out of Saitama Police Station with their guns and point their weapons at Sojiro, as he is walking back to the police station.

Riza speaks into a Megaphone. "Scumbag Otaku, we've got you surrounded! Put your hands up and drop to the ground!"

Sojiro's jaw drops. "What? All I'm here for is to report my Dating Sim that was stolen off me right outside the station! The fact that you're aiming your guns at me means that Konata is right! You're discriminating against people with Blue Hair!"

Riza looks at the other SWAT officers and gives the order. "That's it! Let's get him!"

The SWAT Officers quickly gang up on Sojiro and proceeds to beat Sojiro using their guns as clubs.

"Help me! I'm just an innocent Otaku wanting to report a Dating Sim stolen from him!"

Meanwhile, the police brutality is being filmed on a video camera.

**[Kakashi's House, 9:51 pm]**

Kakashi is holding the video camera. "Yep, they're beating the crap out of that blue-haired guy and I'm recording it. And I'm planning on selling it with the Akira Kogami Video that's already on the net and it's already generating lots of hits. Yeah, the website is www(dot)AkiraKogami_(beep)_s(dot)com(dot)jp. Is that alright with you?"

* * *

**[Kyoto Animation Reception, 9:52 pm]**

Security Guard Jiraiya is at the reception desk. "_AkiraKogami(beep)s(dot)com(dot)jp_? Cool. Give me a sec. I got a call on the other line." Jiraiya switches over to another phone line. "Hello, Kyoto Animation Security."

_**Caller:**__ "Hello, there is a bomb at Kyoto Animation and you're sitting on it right now!"_

"Yeah, hang on. Let me get my Bomb Threat Checklist." Jiraiya picks up a Bomb Threat Checklist from his desk.

_**Caller: **__"I am pissed off at the way you would discriminate Multi-Colored Haired people in your Anime Lucky Star and the fact that you're also lowering the standards of the series by plugging Haruhi!"_

"Alright, here's my first question. _'When is the Bomb going to explode'_?" Jiraiya ticks the first question on the list.

**[Bomb Threat Checklist]  
**1. When is the bomb going to explode?**  
**2. Where did you put the bomb?**  
**3. When did you put it there? **  
**4. What does the bomb look like? **  
**5. What kind of bomb is it? **  
**6. What will make the bomb explode? **  
**7. Did you place the bomb? **  
**8. Why did you place the bomb? **  
**9. What is your name?**  
**10. Where are you?**  
**11. What is your Address?

_**Caller:**__ "I'm not going to tell you anything except that you're all going to (beep)ing die!"_

"Listen, this is serious. _'Where did you put the bomb?'_" Jiraiya asks the next question on the list.

_**Caller:**__ "Do you think I am a (beep)ing idiot? I'm not going to tell you where the bomb is? You're all going to (beep)ing die!"_

"Whatever. I'm going to put you on hold

_**Caller:**__ "Oh, for the love of Pikachu! There's a (beep)ing bomb..."_

Jiraiya puts the bomber on hold and switches back to his call with Kakashi. "Yeah, Kakashi. There's another bomber on the line. I'll catch up with you later. Maybe we'll do dinner."

* * *

Back at Kakashi's house, Kakashi is continuing his filming of SWAT Officers beating Sojiro up. "Sure thing."

* * *

**[Takara Residence, 10:01 pm]**

Konata arrives at Miyuki's house as a very vengeful Otaku is watching Konata through his Binoculars.

"Oh (beep!) She still **ALIVE**! I paid that hitman a million yen! **A **_(beep)_**ING MILLION** _(beep)_**ING YEN**!"

Konata checks the window to see if Miyuki or her mother is inside, but no one is home.

"That's very odd. I expect Miyuki to be home because she usually sleeps at 11."

The angry Otaku pulls out a gun. "I have no choice. I'd better _(beep)_ing do this myself!" The Otaku aims his gun at Konata. "**DIIIIEEEEE**!"

The Otaku fires his gun. The Bullet flies past Konata and it bounces off a wall.

Konata hears the ricochet. "What the hell was that noise?"

The bullet ricochets off another wall. "I'm pretty sure I heard something."

From the stray bullet's POV, it is now flying back towards the forehead of the Otaku who fired the shot. "**SHIIIIITTTTTT**!"

Konata shrugs; unaware of the danger she was in a few seconds ago. "I guess Miyuki must be asleep. I'll give it back to her at school tomorrow."

* * *

**[Izumi Residence, 10:06 pm]**

Minami, Hiyori and Miyuki jump out of the Ice Cream truck and runs towards Konata's house, expecting to save Yutaka from the Killer Otakus. Fortunately, Yutaka is already safe as the three Killer Otakus _(one of them being the duck-butt-haired Otaku)_ trying to break into the Izumi Household are knocked out in front of the house.

"Minami-chan! You're here!"

"Yutaka, what happened?" Minami asks.

"These three crazy Otakus were about to break into the house when this nice man came to my rescue."

Hiyori sees Yutaka's savior, who happens to be Satoshi. "Boss? What are you doing here?"

"I was visiting my girlfriend nearby when I saw these three suspicious characters trying to break into Konata's house."

**[Flashback]**

The three Otakus were about to break in when Satoshi spots them.

"Hey you!" Satoshi yells, catching the three Otakus by surprise. With three punches, Satoshi knocks down all three criminal Otakus.

**[End Flashback]**

Satoshi sighs. "Seriously, there is never a cop around when you need one."

Hiyori, Minami and Miyuki look at the three criminals lying on the ground outside the house, all three knocked out by Satoshi.

* * *

**[Strike Force arrives at Kyoto Animation, 10:15 pm]**

Akira, Detective Ichijoiji and SWAT officers are inside a van.

"So, how did you find him so quickly?" Akira asks.

"We got a tip-off from the TV show **Japanese Most Wanted**," Ken answers. "Now, usually we don't allow civilians on raids like this, but considering that both the Police Commissioner and Mayor of Saitama are fans of your work, we made an exception."

"Cool. Can I have a gun?" Akira asks.

"Anything for you, Miss Kogami." Ken gives Akira a gun.

* * *

Akira, Detective Ichijouji and SWAT storm Kyoto Animation. Unfortunately, the only obstacle between them and the criminal they are after is a locked automatic door. Detective Ken presses the intercom button at the entrance. Jiraiya answers the intercom. "Yeah, what do you want?"

"Can we come in?" Ken asks.

"Sure thing." Jiraiya presses the button to unlock the door. Once the doors are open, SWAT storms the Kyoto Animation reception and quickly surrounds Jiraiya with weapons pointed at him.

* * *

The Hiiragi Family is watching Japanese Most Wanted on TV.

Takeshi is with Officer Yui in the studio.

"We're back and what a night it has been. We've executed one Serial Killer."

**[The Miko Serial Killer refuses to eat his Ramen because Konata is cosplaying as a Miko...]**

"We've caught the Syringe Bandit."

**[The Syringe Bandit tries to rob Miyako's Convenience Store.]**

"We've closed down an Internet Porn Ring."

**[Akira kicks Jiraiya as Detective Ichijouji and SWAT have their weapons pointed at him.]**

"And we've caught a cop-killing Otaku!"

**[SWAT is beating the crap out of Sojiro.]**

Takeshi looks at Yui. "It's been a great night tonight, right Officer Narumi?

Yui nods. "Yes it has been a great night, if you ignore the fact that some people were shot earlier. Other than that, it has been a great night."

Takeshi looks at the camera. "And it goes to show that the new Otaku Laws is a complete success..."

* * *

**[Minami Iwasaki has been freed from her hypnosis and she is now back to her usual self. Hiyori's Video of Miyuki's behavior has been posted on YouTube and received a lot of hits.]**

**[Sojiro Izumi has been released and he successfully sues the Saitama Local Government for Police Brutality. The case has been organized by Amnesty International.]**

**[Miyuki Takara has been fined 100, 000 yen for improperly operating an Ice Cream Van.]**

**[Satoshi Katsumoto was given a medal for bravery for saving Yutaka Kobayakawa. His mother is currently dating Sojiro Izumi for two months.]**

**[Security Guard Jiraiya has been charged with defamation and will serve 400 hours of community service at a Hot Springs Resort...]**

**[Akira Kogami retrieved the stolen images and has been given Copyright of the footage. She plans to write about the experience and the video is currently selling over the Internet]**

* * *

The duck-butt haired teen is sitting on a chair reading the newest issue of Weekly Shonen Jump. He puts the magazine down. "Thanks for the Weekly Jump, Dad. And also thanks for getting us off the Carjacking and the B&E charges."

Police Commissioner Fugaku Uchiha lowers his newspaper. "Just remember, Sasuke, when you're the Police Commissioner, it's not what you know, it's who you know..."

**[End of Chapter 03. Hope you enjoyed your time at the Cosplay Café...]**

**[Cast:]**

**[Cosplay Café Staff:]**

Konata Izumi - Konata

Patricia Martin - Patty

Hiyori Tamura - Hiyori

Satoshi Katsumoto - Cosplay Café Owner

**[Lucky Star Characters:]**

Yui Narumi - Cop

Sojiro Izumi - Police Brutality Victim

Minoru Shiraishi - Himself

Akira Kogami - Idol

Kagami Hiiragi - Tsundere

Hiiragi Family - Themselves

Miyuki Takara - Car Thief

Minami Iwasaki - Hypnotized

Yutaka Kobayakwa - Damsel-in-Distress

**[Guest Stars/Everyone Else:]  
**Eriol Hiiragizawa - Newsreader  
Takeshi - TV Host  
Konno Mitsune - Reporter  
Tracey _'Kenji'_ Sketchit - Miko Serial Killer  
Daisuke Motomiya - Hitman  
Koushiro _'Izzy'_ Izumi - Vengeful Otaku  
Mimi Tachikawa - Otaku's ex-girlfriend  
Miyako Inoue - Convenience Store Owner  
Iori Hida - Convenience Store Vigilante  
Officer Jenny - Detective Jenny  
Ken Ichijouji - Detective Ichijouji  
Riza Hawkeye - SWAT Officer  
Gary _'Shigeru'_ Oak - Vigilante  
Jiraiya - Security Guard  
Kakashi - Masked Otaku  
Keitaro Urashima - Ice Cream Seller  
Kero-Beros - Himself  
Deidara - Bomber

Special Thanks to Taichi Yagami's Crazy Sunshine Team providing extras and stunts...


End file.
